“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
bought wrong eggs
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?