My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
A bold strategy
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.