My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

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My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.


Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.


Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.


Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!


Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.


Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”


Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.


There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*