@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

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@Izianikapani

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@dorsalstream

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

@partlyfunny

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

@weinerdog4life

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

@SergioValenCo

Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.

@Caissie

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have some cold water

Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water

Me: yall got ice?

Clerk: yea

Me:

Clerk:

Me: I have a crazy idea

@dafloydsta

*tear runs down cheek

“Why are all these people dead on the inside?”

“Sir, this is a morgue.”