Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Damn girl, are you my Bachelor’s degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: I’ll have some cold water
Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water
Me: yall got ice?
Me: I have a crazy idea
*tear runs down cheek
“Why are all these people dead on the inside?”
“Sir, this is a morgue.”