@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

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@sarcasticmommy4

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

@robdelaney

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@BeTheCookie

Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

@CantWaitToNap

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

@dave_cactus

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*