FACEBOOK IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
This is why unions are important
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.