@DistractedMomma

My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.

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@djr_102

I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.

@iAmDelFreaky

~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?

Really?

*sighs*

@brokeOclock

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

@Hobo_Splendido

Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

@chudneyspears

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

@BuckyIsotope

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above