My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.

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I’m an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I’m just majestic.


~The Discovery of Fruit~

Ok, so far you’ve named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?




Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot


Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care


Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!


A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above