A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”