I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”
We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”