@sarcasticmommy4

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

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@Vodkantots

I never said I hated you.

I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.

@Elizasoul80

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

@envydatropic

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

@trustedshoe

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

@AnniemuMary

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

@_wendyb07

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@aLunchBox

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

@RexRizzo

Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”

@LOsepyan

We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”