My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!