My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
You Might Also Like
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me if I was a dog
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.