*my kids whining*

Me: oh knock it off and grow up

*my dogs whining*

Me: oh honey, oh baby, my little pitter pat whatever do you need, wanna play ball, let’s cuddle

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Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.


Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.


Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag


cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”


My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.


If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.


Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.


Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.


My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.


Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Cop: drive safe