The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me recordaron éste meme
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.