My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
You Might Also Like
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”