@BunAndLeggings

My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

@melgabored

BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.

BIDEN
I love you.

@_missmoll414

My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants

@PULPKetchup

What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.

@UncleDuke1969

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

@LegoGodzilla

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

@junejuly12

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

@TheBoydP

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.