People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.