Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I can’t be the only one 😂
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.