My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

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Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*


extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like


You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.


4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.


Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..


[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what


I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand


I could never cheat in a relationship,

That requires 2 women to find me attractive.


10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…


Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn