My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
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Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.