My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”