My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

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awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls


My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.


[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part


My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?


*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”


[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo


reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird