My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight