@CruisinSoozan

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

You Might Also Like

@alovablenerd

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

@bourgeoisalien

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

@HomeWithPeanut

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

@Fred_Delicious

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

@Gre_Gone

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

@thomas_violence

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird