My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭