My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Bit chilly again tonight.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*