Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Cucumbers Anonymous
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*