my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Need this in my life lol
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
dam girl
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”