My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
How animals would run if they were human
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me too door. Me too.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
how much for the angry fruit?
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.