My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

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Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol


Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.


Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.


Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.


I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..


Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.


This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.


Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.