daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I did not eat the cake…
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no