@iamspacegirl

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

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@ChicksRule

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

@VikingJonesy

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

@christinaloca

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

@Crap_Advisor

I feel like a tampon… In the right place… at the wrong time..

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

@ovotiann

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

@BrettDruck

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.