It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?