-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat.
“Are you drinking again?”
No,it’s just tea
“What kind of tea?”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating