My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
What a chick magnet..
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.