my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

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Friend: You’ll find love again.


I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.


me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*



Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual


Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]


ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect


Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.


Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.


I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.


People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.