Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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I point my gun at the bank teller and order him to fill my bag with cash but he struggles because the bag is already full of tacos.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.
People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.