my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*