My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You Might Also Like
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
finally
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird