My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!