@AdamBroud

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

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@419BillE

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

@KeetPotato

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

@Where__wolf

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

@lmwortho

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

@ClichedOut

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

@Schmoodles

I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”