My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
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sin harder.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.