My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick


it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut


If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*throws rocks


CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm


me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda


I’m responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.


I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”