My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
