@notalogin

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

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@Where__wolf

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?

@murrman5

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@1MeLrO

It’s not burnt.
It’s carmalized!

Me every time I burn something.

@D2_Barney_McG

I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.