My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
You Might Also Like
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
The most important meal of the day is the next one
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.