My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.