My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
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ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
me irl
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Yoga Matt
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.