My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
going to bed
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I need this for my side hustle.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?