One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash