my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Hotels are back
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures