My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
subtitles are so good nowadays
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
shut up and take my money
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}