[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’m good, thanks.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Bobby pin
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.