My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Good morning, Twitter x
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
mumsnet is amazing
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line