[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
BT: and a last?
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*
Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.