@sixfootcandy

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

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@SJSchauer

[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins

@kimlockhartga

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

@TweetPotato314

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

@KalvinMacleod

BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*

@JennSlowpez

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

@Humor_Fetish

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@mom_tho

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

@MartaEffing

*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*tightens grip*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*

Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.