“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
You Might Also Like
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.