Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.