My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.