My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.