My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
#Caturday
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
when you order from DoorDastardly
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Monica just destroyed the internet
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone