It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.
Her: I don’t recognize you’re accent.
Me: *swallows* It’s donut.
After I die I want the words, ‘Wow, this place is twice as big as my old apartment’ engraved on my urn.
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
P: The weakened
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.