Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?
PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?
ME: I’m very strong
X: So? All my students are
ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*
X: Dear god
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves