@sofarrsogud

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

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@badbanana

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

@3sunzzz

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

@daemonic3

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

@Adar79Angie

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.

@theshamingofjay

Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your skill?

ME: I’m very strong

X: So? All my students are

ME: Oh yeah? *watches a movie without eating popcorn*

X: Dear god

@Leslie_Annie

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves