THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now