@Turn2Dude

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

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@JKNenagh

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

@Home_Halfway

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@ShesAllNat

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that’s why i brought you here

@itsWillyFerrell

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”