My life in a nutshell
You Might Also Like
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Aight bet
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.