My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
This raises questions
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you