I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
ME: I love u
ME: and I wanna be with u always
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…
My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.