@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

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@Parkerlawyer

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

@Playing_Dad

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@mynameisntdave

ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–

GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG

@Biraahwa

Her: *smiles* You fill those out very nicely.
Me: (looks at jeans)Thanks.
Bank Teller: Sir, could you please pass back the forms?
Me: Ohh!

@Daniel_Sloss

If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…

@chrisdowning

My dog’s food looks like Cocoa Puffs, but doesn’t taste like it.

@longwall26

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.