My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk


Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.


All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.


Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend


Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.


Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”


I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?