Men love me.
Germs fear me.
Or vice versa, whatever
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Just saw 666 on a license plate and, in case you guys were wondering, Satan drives a Jeep.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?