My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
You Might Also Like
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I self medicate, therefore you live.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Hey i am sexy to you now
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.