@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

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@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@AshaRangappa_

If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.

@Reverend_Scott

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

@sofarrsogud

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@ChicksRule

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

@TheBeerGuy73

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

@thatUPSdude

Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here

My dog when we go for a walk.

@SentenceReduced

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

@Chhapiness

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.