My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

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Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins


If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.


BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]


🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably


[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo


I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.


Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here
Someone peed here

My dog when we go for a walk.


I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.


At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating


[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.