My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
hmmm
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.