I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
crying
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I’ll be mad as hell!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”